In the weeping….

It has been almost 4 years since someone i love very much died…. Or maybe i should say she passed on… Born into the eternal arms of Abba… I know she lives, even as i live. Probably even more. After all where she is there is no pain, no fear, no sadness, no bad thing. She loved God, through the cancer that showed up just as life was just getting started….twice!!!… Through the chemo and radiation, the joy of remission and uncertainty of check ups, and the return of the disease that ultimately ushered her out of this life…. She loved people, even those that were mean to her. She fought bravely, with all her might, even as she knew the odds of her beating it the second time were between zero and slim. She had been an only child….

I do not count her among the dead. She lives in heaven, with a whole and new body, radiant and more beautiful than she was when she lived here. She is dressed in a white robe, with a pink sash (which is the colour I have assigned to her in my heart – she probably has another one lol) being daily where I long to go one day.

Sometimes Facebook will bring up a memory… a few lines on a given day, some silly, some funny, some just plain normal. I read them and smile, sometimes forgetting for the moment that she is not here anymore and that i can’t respond. All too quickly i remember that she isn’t, that it is not a dream, she is gone. Other times, out of the blue i will read something that will be like a punch to the stomach, and the sadness comes back like a cloak… and i weep…. the tears fall and i miss her, and i want to talk to rage and ask why, all the while knowing that there will be no answer. I think of her parents, and weep even more. No words can comfort, no platitudes hold any weight. They are all shallow things that fall long before they rise to meet the need.

I have learned to let the tears fall, to wear the cloak for a while, and be present in the sadness. Because it is in those moments that once again I become aware of the One who is close to the broken-hearted. His nail-scarred Hand reaches out to me, and takes mine, and His gentle but assured voice lets me know it will be ok. It is easy to reach out for Him when I am happy and my heart is bursting forth with praise. But in these dark times, when strength and courage flee, and all that is left is fear and sadness, He clutches my hand and draws my attention to His presence. The One i would rage at becomes the comforter.

And even as i weep, I am thankful. For Him, for her, for life, for hope, for heaven, for hugs – and for Facebook and Whatsapp – that give me proof that what we had was real. She was here, she was my friend…. She is no longer here, she is gone. For the Word that assures me that she lives…. And i shall see her again. And for the rays of sunlight that break through the dark clouds of despair.

I don’t think a time will come when there won’t be any grief left. Granted it is not the same as it was at the beginning, but it is still there. In it all thought, i have had hope. And that is what i wish for anyone that grieves. Hope. Hope today, in the present, that God is always close. That His love is great, His arms open, His heart beating for you. Hope in tomorrow, that you will get through it too, by grace. And for hereafter, that you shall celebrate together. For now, I send you a big hug…. You are not alone.